Thieves attempt to blow open ATM, blow up bank instead

Let's just get this out of the way now: "You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off".

Two people banned from "All-you-can-eat" restaurant for eating too much

I don't know whether this is a particularly common occurrence, but you can hardly blame them for taking the restaurant's branding literally, can you?

Two hundred live tarantulas found in suitcase

How about a big ol' bag of NOPE?

A German couple returning from Peru were apprehended at Amsterdam airport with two hundred live tarantulas (among other things) stuffed in their suitcase. 

Woman too busy texting to notice she's falling down a cliff

Maria Pestrikoff of Kodiak, Alaska, managed to fall sixty feet down a cliff because she was too busy texting. Last recorded text message read "brb - signal's dropping" (not really). 

Pro Wrestler lays the smack down on a lunatic

Shawn Daivari of former WWE and current TNA fame is responsible for saving a train car full of bystanders from the dangerous actions of a raving lunatic, by choking him until he wet himself. 

And you thought it was all fake...

Soldier kills friend in an attempt to scare away hiccups

Hiccups: The Most Annoying Way To Die (Probably)

[VIDEO] Saline 'bagelheads' are the new 'bodymod' thing

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and thought "My head would look a LOT nicer if it had a massive, bagel-shaped bulge in the middle"? Of course you have.

This new bodymod craze comes to us courtesy of Japan.

...Of course it does.

7 year old boy strong enough to pull a car (with passengers)

Read that 'Zombees' story from the other day? Terrified for the future of humanity? Don't be! I've found a future superhero who will surely save us all, by lifting very heavy things.

Man attempts to smuggle self into Spain, dressed as a car seat

Disregarding the obvious safety concerns, wouldn't that just be the WORST time to get uh, y'know, 'aroused'?

Man arrested for having sex with a sofa in public

Man quoted as saying "Oh, you said to practice SAFER sex..." (Not really)

Drunk woman thinks she's a pirate. Steals a ferry to prove it.

We've all been there, right? A couple of beers, a late night, and police reports that you went on a bender and stole an ENTIRE FERRY, claiming you were a pirate?

Million-strong synchronised toilet flush scheduled in Zimbabwe

One to add to the 'Things I Know About Zimbabwe' category.

Man chops off own hands to stop himself from stealing

27-year-old Egyptian man, Ali Afifi, apparently couldn't stop himself from stealing by sheer willpower alone. Obviously, the only logical solution was to chop off his hands. That's not the best part.